Heading to the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland

As I left the farm on Friday afternoon, I got the ever familiar sinking feeling in my stomach – an utterly clichéd expression that exactly expresses how you feel when fear suddenly washes over the sides of you. Besides that and one teary moment after reading some lovely words from my dear sister, I had no real dramatic change to my emotions as I left for Glasgow and a year of postgraduate discovery. Perhaps I have just cultivated a greater talent for repression, but I like to think that after traveling more, auditioning more, being more independent, my anxiety about these kinds of situations has naturally and maturely decreased.

At the airport, I met a completely different individual going through much the same transition as me. And by met, I obviously mean eavesdropped on and watched peripherally, because introductions and small talk are not my forte. He too was traveling abroad (to London) to go to graduate school (for computer science). He was the sort of person who looks much older than they should but seems much younger than their actual age. It seems painfully stereotypical, but he was short, dated and seriously balding with a slight lisp, glasses and a passion for computers. He was also, as far as I could tell, absolutely sweet and polite and radiating nervous energy, so much so that I started questioning whether or not I was at the right gate, what if I missed my flight, had I packed my wallet…

His mother was seated across from him, although she wasn’t traveling herself. They spent much of the time anxiously checking the boarding times, and texting or calling friends and family to say goodbye. The mother was quite sociable and upbeat, chatting with the man next to her and keeping her son’s spirits up, although at one point when he was rummaging in the bag on the seat next to her, she raised and tilted her cheek and requested a kiss, which he dutifully and lovingly bestowed – a small reassurance for both of them that everything would be all right.

As we got closer and closer to boarding, he proffered a joke about how this decision to move to London for graduate school was probably a terrible mistake. The joke was delivered in that watery, half-whispered way that people use when they’re actually completely serious. It was painful to hear this last desperate cry for help. You could tell that all he wanted in that moment was for his mother to say yes, yes it was and wrap him up in her arms and take him home to familiar, to comfort, to safe. She, of course, didn’t. She did exactly what she should, and told him she was proud of him and that this was a great brave thing for him to do. She continued to utter these words of support as we boarded. He was behind me in line, so I was privy to the increasing panic in his breath as we got closer and closer. As I handed over my ticket, I heard him burst into tears and could feel the heavy silence of his mother letting him go. The fact that I could no longer see him somehow made his emotions feel like mine, like how surround sound makes you feel like you’re in the movie. I hurried onto the plane; I couldn’t handle being near him anymore. I selfishly hoped that he wouldn’t be sitting next to me on the flight, knowing I couldn’t offer him the reassurance I knew he’d need from a girl going through much the same. What do I know about what risks are worth it, if we’ve made the right decision, if life really does sort itself out for the best? He ended up sitting far across the aisle from me, and when I accidentally caught his eye, he gave me a little nervous wave. A last confirmation – I got on this plane, like you, I’m here, and we’re all going somewhere.

I thought about him throughout the whole flight. In the months leading up to me leaving, I’ve had countless people commend me for what a risk I’m taking, how brave I am, how proud they are. And yes, it is a risk to move to Glasgow for a year, pursue something that is so difficult and exposing with people I’ve never met. And I’m also thankful that I’m well adjusted enough to be able, at twenty-four, to travel alone and start over without too much emotional turmoil or fear.  However, he is truly taking risk, is truly brave. When I saw him get into his seat, I was proud that he actually got on the plane.

So, he shall be my inspiration for this year. To put myself in situations where I go to the very precipitous edge of my comfort, not just halfway there. To take risks. Not things that are commonly understood as risks, but things I know are risks for me. Here’s to watery jokes, panicked breaths and going somewhere.

LAMDA Update

After somewhat impatiently awaiting my update from LAMDA in regards to my place on the wait list, I finally caved and emailed them yesterday. They responded today saying that they had sent me an email last week (which I obviously never received for some reason).

It's barely an update at all, but at least it confirms that my application isn't lost in that little crack between the desk and the wall, or something.

Also hilariously & confusingly attached to the letter was a confusing explanation of Drama UK's policies that began with "With reference to the attached offer of a place at: LAMDA - 2014 intake." Even though I actually haven't gotten an offer.

Merp merp.

Guildhall Final Recall Audition (May 20 & 21, 2014)

Thankfully, I had arrived in England a few days earlier, so I had (mostly) gotten over my jet lag by the time Tuesday rolled around, the first day of my final recall audition. I had scoped out the area the day before so getting there at 9:30 a.m. on the day was easy and not too stressful (although it did mean taking the tube during rush hour, which is always a bit of a nightmare).

The auditions were taking place in Guildhall's new building, which is GORGEOUS and huge, if a bit streamlined and clinical. Luckily, there were loads of current students around whose only job was to make sure you knew where you were going, so I was never worried for a moment that I was in the wrong place or that I was going to get lost. We got a little information packet when we checked in, including our schedule for the next two days. The whole process was very well organized and easy to navigate. I think I was in the group with the best schedule, as we started off the first day with the movement session and then the three monologue panels. The second day was only a half day, with a voice session and then a brief interview (which was purely for clerical reasons -- checking the information you'd filled out on your application and taking your picture). It's structured so that you get a lot of time to really show what you are capable of to many members of staff, which is really satisfying, but of course there is a LOT of down time. I read an entire book (The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks -- check it out, it's just as amazing as everyone says it is).

The movement/improvisation session lasted two hours. This was the portion of which I was the most scared, mostly because the term "movement/improvisation" is very broad, and can cover all manner of embarrassing things. If you remember, that was the session at my ACT final callback that I felt the worst about, and that really put you on the spot. However, this was nothing like that. It was an incredibly relaxed, collaborative session. You were never singled out in a scary way, and you were never put on the spot. It was just two hours of lovely stretching and group movement, like "be a bubble!" For most of it, I even forgot that we were being watched and assessed. After, we went in one by one and did a monologue of our choice. I did mine twice, the second time getting some side coaching.

After lunch, we went into the monologue panels individually -- three total, each with two members of staff. I was feeling very warmed up after the movement session, which was lovely. My first panel was with Christian Burgess and an ex-Guildhall student, who is well known in the London theatre world. I have to say, I felt wonderful about how this panel went. I did two of my monologues and was given ample amount of time to work with them. For my contemporary piece, Christian Burgess directed me to do it in a completely opposite way as it is originally written -- lovingly and flirtatious rather than angry and sad. He even joined me in the scene and improvised some lines throughout. They really challenged me, in a good way, and also gave me lots of time and attention. There was a brief interview after, but it felt like a very natural conversation about me and my craft, rather than rigid question answer question answer. This is going to sound tremendously self-aggrandizing, but I left that panel thinking, "I got into Guildhall."

The next two panels didn't go as well, although they weren't bad either. I did my Shakespeare piece for Patsy Rodenburg (although not the piece I had been doing, as she seemed disinterested in seeing Imogen. So I pulled out my old faithful Lady Percy, which I've been doing for years and know frontwards and backwards). She gave me a redirection, and I did it again, after which she said, "That was better" and that was all. The final panel was with Wyn Jones and Martin Connor. They had me work on my third piece which I hadn't done yet today, and to be honest, I love this piece and I've put a lot of work into it, but it's a bit hit or miss -- sometimes I feel like I really nail it, and sometimes I feel like I'm overacting. They worked with me on it for a bit, and then that was that.

It's hard to say, really. I've been in plenty of audition rooms where I thought I probably got it, but then I realized that the auditioner was just especially effusive or complimentary, and just made everyone feel like they got it (something I hate). But I have to say, even though the second two panels were less amazing, I still left that first day feeling very confident and proud of myself.

The second day was actually pretty low key. The voice session was just a quick vocal warm up, followed by individually going in and doing some sight reading, singing your song and then talking with the voice teacher briefly about your history (any previous vocal or reading problems, etc.). It was a little strange, as they kept insisting that this session had no impact at all on whether you got into the school, but they did take notes the whole time. And also...why would you bother having the session if it didn't matter? Then, we just had the quick clerical interview (mine was literally ten minutes at most). I was all done by about 1:30 p.m., although unfortunately we couldn't leave until they had decided if they needed to see anyone again, so we all ended up hanging around until about 4 p.m. (once again, bring a book).

I returned to the school two days later for the final results. I did not relish the idea of having to wait around and find out if I did or didn't get into Guildhall surrounded by a bunch of nervous strangers, but otherwise I would have had to wait until Tuesday and called the school. We were instructed to come to the school at 7 p.m. to wait around while they deliberated. Most everyone got into little groups and chatted the whole time, but I opted to sit alone with my headphones on and read. We waited around until about 10 p.m. when someone came out with a handwritten list of names on a piece of paper. They were read out one by one, and those people left the gym. After all the names were read, we were told that the rest of us hadn't been accepted. And that was that.

My updated stats:

Bristol Old Vic: accepted!
RCS: accepted!
LAMDA: shortlisted, will hear final decision in June.
ACT: final callback weekend, chosen as an alternate.
Guildhall: final recall but ultimately rejected.
ACA: end of the day callback but ultimately rejected.
Juilliard: rejected.
Yale: rejected.
TISCH: rejected.
Old Globe: rejected.

Ten Questions

I think my family might be the only ones who read this blog... HELLO FAMILY! That doesn't make me totally pathetic, does it? Oh well. Too late.

Anyway, in preparation for my final audition for Guildhall, I've done my ten questions for all three of my monologues. It's one of those that you do, and then you just hope it seeps into your performance (as Alan Cumming said in a recent interview on Fresh Air, "I'm a big fan of seepage"). I'm not even sure if anyone other than me would know that I've done this work, but it's methodical and thorough and makes me feel prepared. Maybe that's why it's useful, more than anything.

I spent a very long time on these ten questions, so I thought I'd post an example; this is for my monologue from Summer and Smoke, the character of Alma. As a precursor, I would like to say that these are written in a kind of stream of consciousness style, and I don't really pay much attention to grammar or structure. I read the play, take notes, and then sit down and write.

Just thought it might be interesting to someone, and if not, it at least is a record for my sake. Click read more if, as the name suggests, you would like to read more.

Bristol Old Vic Result (May 13, 2014)

What a lovely email!!

Guildhall: final recall audition on May 20th and 21st.
Bristol Old Vic: accepted!
RCS: accepted!
LAMDA: shortlisted, will hear final decision in June.
Juilliard: no end of the day callback, rejected.
Yale: no end of the day callback, rejected.
TISCH: no end of the day callback, rejected.
ACA: end of the day callback but ultimately rejected.
ACT: final callback weekend, chosen as an alternate.
Old Globe: rejected.

LAMDA Result (April 3, 2014) and Stats Update

On April 3rd, I received the following letter (attached to an email) from LAMDA:

Honestly, utterly surprised. I've never felt very positive about my LAMDA auditions, as they're so quick, and also they audition in so many places in the United States that I think they see way more applicants than a lot of the other British schools for which I applied (and probably more than a lot of the American schools, too).

For that reason, I don't think I've ever been more proud to be shortlisted! It's so strange that there's nothing for me to do but wait. They saw me once, for about fifteen minutes back in February, so I'm not entirely sure how they'll even remember me. But I hope they do! LAMDA's my second choice after Guildhall (as of right now, having not been to Guildhall yet).

So, here are my updated stats:

Guildhall: final recall audition, two days between May 18th - 23rd.
Bristol Old Vic: shortlisted, will hear final decision in early May.
RCS: accepted!
LAMDA: shortlisted, will hear final decision in June.
Juilliard: no end of the day callback, rejected.
Yale: no end of the day callback, rejected.
TISCH: no end of the day callback, rejected.
ACA: end of the day callback but ultimately rejected.
ACT: final callback weekend, chosen as an alternate.
Old Globe: rejected. (I heard from them via letter a couple weeks ago, but had already assumed I wasn't in as they are HIGHLY selective and also usually call people in the middle of March with their decisions.)

ACT Result (March 4, 2014)

In case anyone's interested in the actual letter. I guess I could theoretically still hear back from them, as I'm sure people can drop out up until the program starts, but I'm not hanging my hat on that prospect.